So maybe life is just the paths that we take, the people we love, the decisions we make…

I’ve had some time to think lately. This doesn’t always happen. I tend to be so busy that I often don’t have time to think of anymore taxing than “Have I emailed that through? / Where’s his fleece? / Did I remember to text her? / What’s for tea? / Where are my keys?”. Some of this busy-ness is positive, but at other times it almost feels like a defence mechanism, like keeping myself busy, keeping myself moving, never fully relaxing, means I never really have to stop and think about the bigger things.

Which would make some sort of sense.

I’d say I’m a positive person. I’m happy and loving and giving and caring. I think I’m a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister (at least most of the time. I’m not a saint!). I try to help people, and I’m aware of the many faults I have (gah, whole other post. Which would be long and dull for you, and a retread for me). I haven’t been this way always.

If we went back just five or ten years, I don’t think you’d recognise me. I hated myself, actively and passionately. A series of not-nice experiences, some big, some small, some infinitesimal, had left me punchdrunk and confused and angry and hurt and just overflowing with self-loathing. I was ugly, I was stupid, I was worthless, I was fat, I was not worth knowing. I was also a bloody good actress. Many of the people around me had no idea of what was going on and now are surpirise if I allude to any troubles. Those were tough times.

About four years ago, I chose to change. I got serious with myself and hard on myself in some aspects, and a lot softer on myself in many others. The hardest part was probably learning to tell myself to “shut the f*** up!” when I went off on one against myself, and this is a lesson I’m still learning today. Putting myself down is such a talent, it takes a lot to fight the urge.

I’ve also had to learn how to trust people. Even in my closest relationships, there’s still a scared little girl there, afraid that I’ll do something, say something, be something that will make people stop liking me. Stop loving me. And leave. I count myself blessed that I have earned the friends I have now – people I can disagree with and fight with and they’re still there. They don’t leave.

However.

As far as I’ve come, I know I’ve a ways to go. For every bridge crossed, for every memory dealt with, there’s a fresh one awaiting my attention, like a light flashing on and off on an old school answerphone. It can wait, but it will need seeing to….

So as Easter approaches and some free time becomes apparent on the horizon, I guess I’m asking for love, for understanding, for compassion. And I hope I have the wisdom to keep growing.

Wow, look who got all deep this evening!
Love,
Cxx
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15 comments:

  1. I'm awe struck at the raw honesty in this post... you are such a beauty it takes my breath away...

    :-)

    thank you for visiting my blog, leaving me a (((HUG))), and allowing me the chance to find you here with these haunting, beautiful words...

    (((HUGS))) to you,
    Love,
    Me

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  2. Awesome blog entry. I think a lot more of us have been there than we think (if that makes any sense)

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  3. you have my love, understanding and compassion ... as always ...

    xoxox

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  4. i love this post...as i get older, i find i'm a little more wise as when to be "hard" on myself and when to show myself some compassion...and there's something to be said for discernment!

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  5. Very deep! Hope that you find everything you want in life.

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  6. Such lovely honesty delivered with beautiful words.

    It was so timely for us to cross paths. Your words spoke to me in a way that I have only begun to be able to hear. Thank you for this!

    Much love, compassion and understanding to you from across the ocean.

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  7. I'm happy to hear that you've come this far. Life is a contant effort to improve oneself, really. You are given the opportunity every day. Don't ever stop trying.

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  8. I think a lot of people are similarly hard on themselves. I know that I can be too.

    Remember that you rock!

    ps My fave song on the Juno soundtrack is Tire Swing. :)

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  9. I love the honesty. Wow.

    Also, I'm impressed you could use "punchdrunk" in a sentence. I thought that was some kind of hang-over.

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  10. *Hugs*

    I think self talk can be a very destructive thing....yet it's damn near impossible to turn off.

    Thank you for being candid :)

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  11. I hope you get it all. I too used to be much more pessimistic. And I definitely understand the improving with more to go. You'll make it.

    Happy break!

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  12. Hello, Sweetie. Time to think can be a dangerous thing. But we all need to sometimes. I know that scared little girl all to well. Maybe we need a bit of her in us so that we don't forget what it's like to not be accepted for who we are. It can make acceptance and unconditional love all the more tangible; and can make us so much more grateful to have it.

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  13. Hello! Thanks for visiting my blog. Your comment was comforting:) I love this entry as is it rings true for many of us. Heck I'm almost 32 and finally realizing that self-love is the most important habit of life. And everything else follows when this is learned. Happy Easter!

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  14. Well I am glad I found your blog. It was tough choosing which one was the right one in your profile.
    This was a really nice entry, and I wish you the best of in finding those things that you seek. It is definitely hard sometimes but keep fighting the good fight.

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  15. thank you for visiting my space and leaving behind a little love.
    what beauty i find here...and oh how i understand this particular message; "Even in my closest relationships, there’s still a scared little girl there, afraid that I’ll do something, say something, be something that will make people stop liking me. Stop loving me. And leave. I count myself blessed that I have earned the friends I have now – people I can disagree with and fight with and they’re still there. They don’t leave."
    how blessed indeed!

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Thank you for your comment - I do read them all but it may take me a little while (a couple of days) to respond during busy times. I love reading what you have to say!

Have a wonderful day!

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