Invisibility

First and foremost, thank you for all the lovely comments on the last post. That post was literally my heartsong poured out, and writing it down was so powerful, and healing. Thank you for letting me honour someone so special, and deal with something so hard.

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And now, to other things. I've been pottering around all evening (bliss!) doing bits and bobs from the ever present to-do list, knowing that I wanted to get something blogged before the night was out. But where to go after such honesty, such rawness?

Only one thing for it....

May as well blog about boys. From the sublime to the ridiculous, anyone?

And hence my choice of title... I did a sum last week. A scary sum. I worked out how long I've been single for. It's a loooooooooooooooooooooong time, let me tell you.

I should clarify, I don't dislike being single. I'm very good at being single. I like to think I rock the single to a certain degree. But it has been a long long time.

Most of this long time makes sense to me. I got hurt, hurt bad in fact, and turned into the biggest commitment phobe ever. And then I went through a slightly panicked, a little whiny, "I want a boyfriiiieeeennnd" phase (didn't last long though. I dislike whiners). And then I settled into a groove, living my fun little life, having a great time, and gradually it dawned on me. I'm invisible.

Do boys want to kiss me? Sure, sometimes. Do boys want to be my friend? In SPADES (and don't get me wrong. I love and value and cherish my male friends). Do boys want to date me? Haha. That thing sweeping across the vista? May well be a tumbleweed. I just think I'm missing a gene or something. I'm the ultimate girl who no-one wants. I'm that girl in the fifties film prom left sitting on the bleachers tapping her feet while prettier girls are swept off to dance.

Which is fine, if a little dull. Maybe I'm too weird / stupid / fat / unconventional / talkative / insert own choice (please don't be too cruel). Maybe the guys I know and hang out with and meet are too scared / blinded / intelligent / choosy / wise ;). Who knows? Maybe I'm meant to be alone (a scary, chilling thought. But the primary evidence is somewhat compelling). Maybe I'm being tested. Maybe it's better that someone doesn't have to deal with me....

I wish I knew the answer. Way to flip moods between posts, right :-) Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the myriad blessings in my life. But this area is giving me more than a few nightmares just now....

Love,
Cxx
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21 comments:

  1. I can so relate to what you are saying.

    I went through a "I'm tired of being perma-single" phase earlier this year, and the whole project ended up with my some of my other perma-single friends finding boyfriends, and me still being perma-single and feeling rejected.

    But I say the answer to all boy-related problems is a little bit of shopping, some drinking, and some pampering. That's what I say!!!

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  2. If I was a boy, I'd SO be up in your area girl ;-) aaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'
    Mlle Wilson (denied)

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  3. You look like you're a lot of fun and you have a lot of interests/talents...and you're also opinionated. Guys can get intimidated by these things. The right guy won't though...he'll adore you for who you are and I know he's out there. You'll bump into each other when you least expect it. :)

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  4. There is *absolutely* nothing wrong with you claire, so don't ever think it! There are just lots of stupid guys.

    You will find a very lucky guy soon, without a shadow of doubt. Claire is hot! :D

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  5. CLAIRE!!! You sound just like me a few years ago.

    You are NOT the girl no one wants.

    Everyone feels or has felt like that girl (or guy! my guy friends have said similar stuff, or they're lying.

    I came to the conclusion awhile back that I had to like me - and be totally happy with myself - and that was the important thing.

    I decided that I was happy and if I died the next week, that would be OK. And I kid you not, two weeks later I met Mr. Riot Kitty. But you know what? Being single isn't being "alone." I have spent most of my adult life single by choice, and I loved almost every minute of it. (Maybe not the times when I really needed a shag, but you get the point!)

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  6. Yep nowt worng with you. At all. I've told you we have discussed how hot you are behind your back before (and we think you are HOT) and also warm and caring and giving nad intelligent and funny and all sorts of other cool things. I think it is not having met anyone who deserves you yet. In fact I know it is.

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  7. You're not weird, you're really fun.
    You're not stupid, you're an amazing writer, with a massive EQ.
    You're not fat, you're gorgeous (just the way you are Bridget)
    You may well be unconventional, but conventional is mundane. Be Fantastic.

    As a guy who has met you, I'd say it's the scared option. The last couple of female friends I thought I was making connections with (spending a couple of great flirty evenings), have casually mentioned their boyfriends towards the end of the evening.

    Making the jump to ask a lady out without being creepy, or inappropriate, or mis-reading the signals is minefield I don't have a map for.

    If I act on the knowledge you're single now and hit on you, that would make me creepy internet stalker guy.

    Yours,

    Single guy.

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  8. I can relate. I can totally relate.

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  9. I was everything you wrote about for the longest time. Except no boys. Definitely girls for me.
    You seem like an absolutely wonderful person, and I can guarantee that some wonderful man will see that.
    Love hits when you least expect it.

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  10. in the first... 23? i think? years of my life, i had 1 boyfriend. and that was for about 8 weeks right before i went away to college. i was pretty sure i was destined to always be "the friend." i think i learned to flirt better though... got to make sure the boys KNOW you're interested and available ;-)

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  11. oh hon, am absolutely sure that boys see you that way only boys can be scared when faced with someone so wonderful, oh yes they can ... the right one though, he will come along and he will fight through his fear and go for it :)

    am betting it won't be long!! cutie!

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  12. I think all it takes is convincing yourself what a wonderful catch you are first :)

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  13. I can relate to this too, except I feel like I attract weirdos. If I review my dating history its a real mixed bag. Now that I'm in my 30's I wonder if all the good guys are taken!

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  14. It's like I wrote this.......we are in the same boat my friend :(

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  15. Sometimes, every so often, there is a pang when I see that couple holding hands or watch the incredibly sappy romantic movie where everything miraculously turns out happy-ever-after and think, "why can't it be like that for me?"

    but then I remember, there is something to be said about not being the type who falls easy easily and out of love, or with whom people fall easily in love with.

    it's that old adage of quality v. quantity. And you have quality in abundance, my dear.

    and when it happens, it will happen for the right reasons and not for reasons of convenience or opportunity. it will be the real deal, and it will make all the waiting and false starts before then worth it.

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  16. You're in limbo....far different from how I approach relationships. I would say that I am a relationship jumper. I never stay single long enough to know what it feels like, although often times I wonder.

    Maybe this is a time for you to grow and learn without the hindrance of a relationship.....when the time is right you will find someone.

    Until then, do what makes you happy since you don't have to worry about someone else :o)

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  17. I have mixed feelings about this sort of thing at the moment. Well, I always do.

    Only once or twice have I ever felt like I really wanted to make the effort for anyone, enough to overcome any fears/doubts.

    I can't imagine being in a relationship and still having enough time for everything else.

    I also don't know how to approach girls without feeling really sleazy. And the knowledge that I don't really know what I'm supposed to do next scares the shit out of me.

    But at the same time I really want to have someone to come home to at the end of the day. And to have them make me a cup of tea if it's been a bad day. And to make them a cup of tea if it's been a good one.

    It also depresses me that whenever I get excited by something and need to text someone about it, the first people I think of are almost invariably female friends. Whom I don't quite fancy but I love to bits and if only I loved them a little bit more...

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  18. well now... am i to take you at your word that you are;
    "Maybe I'm too weird / stupid / fat / unconventional / talkative / insert own choice"
    i can't do that claire! you way to vibrant and good to have such a negative spin on understanding why you don't have a boy in your life at this point. my question is...and maybe you answer it in the next post since i am going from bottom to top....do you want a boyfriend?

    xoxoxox

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  19. Oh, Claire. I have so been there. I didn't meet my husband until I was 32, and prior to that had nearly zero dating experience. It was a long, long time of singleness. I know, it is hard. But oh, so worth it to wait for the right one.

    You may be thinking right now, "Easy for you to say now that YOU are married!" But I assure you, I will never forget what that time felt like. Of course, I made the most of those years and had many awesome adventures during that time, but it was still tough and frustrating and painful (some days more than others).

    You are a lovely, delightful girl and there is nothing wrong with you! You are just waiting for the one who is man enough to deserve you and appreciate your uniqueness properly. :-)

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Thank you for your comment - I do read them all but it may take me a little while (a couple of days) to respond during busy times. I love reading what you have to say!

Have a wonderful day!

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