One prompt, five minutes.
Today, the word is....loss.
Despite my sunny demeanour and my overwhelming urge to always always always look on the bright side, find the silver lining, embrace the positive outcome, count the blessings, see the glass half-full, I am all too aware that in this broken world, we all face loss of some kind.
And it hurts.
Lost loves, lost friends, lost opportunities, the finality of death, the ultimate loss.
So what have I lost?
I've lost a friend, a dear friend, taken away by demons that she and the rest of the world couldn't fix. I've lost other friends to time and gossip and distance, but she's the one that sticks in the mind, who's laugh I'll never hear again, whose number I can never call.
I've lost (or rather, never known) a swathe of family. Instead of embracing me, they rejected me, when I was too young to talk or speak or be for myself. I love the family I do have with all my heart, but sometimes the disconnect jars, and all I can do is mourn what might have been. For who I might have been. I'm the black sheep and I'm cool with that for the most part, but sometimes it feels like a loss.
I often feel like I lost (a decent wodge of) my childhood too. When I talk to friends about being 6 or 7 or 8 or 9, they are full of memories, shows they watched, friends they played with. Me, I just have a massive blank space. I know *why* my mind has done this, but sometimes when I see pictures of myself at that age I just want to cry for what I never got to have. What I will never have. That little, fragile, messy girl. My heart aches for her. I know it gets better, but I know she'll never escape her past either. I want to give her a cuddle and let her know that it's okay to be angry, it's okay to be sad, and that she'll get through this and have a happier time in her teens, her twenties, and beyond.
I think that these losses make us stronger, these losses make us who we are, but I think to mourn them is human nature. We should never be ashamed of grieving for the things, the people, and the chances we have lost, but we must be wary of letting these losses define us.
Wow. That got deep.
I promise to post about cheese or shoes or silliness soon....
I'm very much aware that I'm an exceptionally lucky and blessed young woman, but sometimes I think it's good to reflect on the sadder, darker things.
To end on a happier note, Tim Minchin opportunity: