Wounds of love

Sometimes I feel like I’m daring the universe to prove me wrong. It’s a scary kind of dare because in my heart of hearts I know I’m probably right, but I really, really, really hope I’m wrong.

See I don’t have the best of luck with guys. I can talk the talk, I’ve dated, I’ve had enough kisses to make sure I’m not entirely “spinster of the parish” but the bottom line remains that I kind-of-well-actually suck at relationships. I can fall in ‘love’ (in hindsight, it’s always more ‘like’ than ‘love’) with a person, I can go out and have people take my number, guys will buy me drinks or ask me to dance. But I am far, far too talented at converting these good starts into terrible endings. Every so often I can parlay the debacle into a good friendship or a nice couple of dates, but all to often it winds up in a huge, hurtful mess.

My “love life” up to this point could best be described as painful. I have physical, mental and emotional scars which I try to deal with as best I can, and sometimes I do pretty well, but at the end of the day I’m on my own for… self-preservation more than anything else. The men in my life, for the most part, have displayed to me, how awful men can be – I’ve been used, insulted, let down, abandoned, hurt, and driven to lows I didn’t know were there. I know I’m not perfect, and I’ve done some shitty things too, but the balance is firmly swayed – I have been done over by “romance”.

Which may explain why I hate V-day a little. Now I would classify myself as a romantic, and I really, really want to like this celebration but up to this point (discounting my primary school years because then Valentines rocked so hard) my Valentines have more or less blown. A couple have been OK – I’ve done the catch a movie with a girlfriend / go for a haircut / have a few drinks with other single friends thing, but some of the others make me shudder. Worst was probably 2003 – I don’t want to get too into it but it required medical attention. Egads, that was a low.

But this year I am going to try and be upbeat about it. I want to make peace with love, as it were. I want to believe that I can have the whole thing, because I’d really like to have a normal relationship. And right now there is a guy in my life who might be someone I want to get involved with, and I’m using every molecule of strength I have not to pull a Claire and get rid of him as soon as possible. I am trying to believe that someone could like me, even with all the bullshit and randomness.

Hmmm, this random ramble needs to finish here I think.

Happy Valentines all!


1 Comment

  1. Sian
    16th February 2006 / 10:33 am

    Sweetie, I know what you mean. Men, they’re either too eager or not eager enough. They wander around through our lives causing all kinds of problems and yet we all want one. Dammit!! I also have one in my sights but he’s got too much control. Typical. Chin up though; he’s still a friend. It is actually possible. You will find a man who’s worthy of you, somewhere. They all hide or go gay.

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