Sometimes I feel like I’m daring the universe to prove me wrong. It’s a scary kind of dare because in my heart of hearts I know I’m probably right, but I really, really, really hope I’m wrong.
See I don’t have the best of luck with guys. I can talk the talk, I’ve dated, I’ve had enough kisses to make sure I’m not entirely “spinster of the parish” but the bottom line remains that I kind-of-well-actually suck at relationships. I can fall in ‘love’ (in hindsight, it’s always more ‘like’ than ‘love’) with a person, I can go out and have people take my number, guys will buy me drinks or ask me to dance. But I am far, far too talented at converting these good starts into terrible endings. Every so often I can parlay the debacle into a good friendship or a nice couple of dates, but all to often it winds up in a huge, hurtful mess.
My “love life” up to this point could best be described as painful. I have physical, mental and emotional scars which I try to deal with as best I can, and sometimes I do pretty well, but at the end of the day I’m on my own for… self-preservation more than anything else. The men in my life, for the most part, have displayed to me, how awful men can be – I’ve been used, insulted, let down, abandoned, hurt, and driven to lows I didn’t know were there. I know I’m not perfect, and I’ve done some shitty things too, but the balance is firmly swayed – I have been done over by “romance”.
Which may explain why I hate V-day a little. Now I would classify myself as a romantic, and I really, really want to like this celebration but up to this point (discounting my primary school years because then Valentines rocked so hard) my Valentines have more or less blown. A couple have been OK – I’ve done the catch a movie with a girlfriend / go for a haircut / have a few drinks with other single friends thing, but some of the others make me shudder. Worst was probably 2003 – I don’t want to get too into it but it required medical attention. Egads, that was a low.
But this year I am going to try and be upbeat about it. I want to make peace with love, as it were. I want to believe that I can have the whole thing, because I’d really like to have a normal relationship. And right now there is a guy in my life who might be someone I want to get involved with, and I’m using every molecule of strength I have not to pull a Claire and get rid of him as soon as possible. I am trying to believe that someone could like me, even with all the bullshit and randomness.
Hmmm, this random ramble needs to finish here I think.
Happy Valentines all!