Ok, so this post is going to just be one of those brain leak ones. You know, the stream of conciousness ones where you just write and write and see what pours out onto the page. The theme of this post actually kept me awake for a good hour or so last night (part of me was annoyed at the lack of sleep – the other part of me was amused / perturbed / glad that I’d actually found something I could think that much about to write on. I mean, I’m sure you’ve all been enjoying the missives of random cleansing, book lists and photo ops., but I did start this blog because I wanted to write!).
My theme? My love life and why I’m single. Oh boy. Feel free to go grab a coffee, make sure you’re in a comfy seat and let’s get on with it.
The reason for this coming up, I’m sure, is the return to the homestead for summer vacation. I am having a wonderful time and am more relaxed than I thought I knew how to be, but being back in the place I spent my teens, often with the people I grew up with, raises many questions. And then we hit on the issue of question number 3. You know, you go for dinner / drinks / coffee and the three questions are:
1. How are you?
2. How’s work?
3. So….any boyfriend? / How’s your lovelife? When are we going to be reading about your wedding in the Gazzette? (Adjust for how well the person knows you, how long you’ve been friends, and the disposition of the interrogator!).
Questions 1 and 2? I have down. I am lucky enough to be pretty happy with my life, and comfortable enough to share my happiness without feeling the need to put myself down or apologise for it. I have a job I love, friends who I adore, a family I love, a cute little flat, a church to call home, and enough hobbies, interests and events to keep an average conversation well fed. Question 3? Is a different kettle of fish. I’ve been single for more or less the whole of my adult life. Yeah, you read that right the first time.
Now, in years past this really worried me. I went through the usual motions, the usual sleepless nights wondering….what’s wrong with me? / why am I alone? / why don’t I have a booooooooyfriiiiieeeeennnnnd? I dated, I went out, I spent time with guys. And…..no-one really grabbed me. No-one swept me off my feet – heck, no-one swept me even a couple of inches to the side! Time wore on, I went through all the phases (fear, worry, denial, desperation, hyper-self-suffiency, doubt, hyperactivy, the I’ll-date-anyone-rather-than-be-alone phase), but with time I grew out of these and became (fairly) happy with my lot. I even got answers to my questions – there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not alone. And I don’t have a boyfriend because I’m not at the right time and place in my life to have a boyfriend.
Oh no she didn’t! Oh yes, I did. See the problem is, I’ve gotten greedy. I don’t want to date a guy just because he checks some boxes on a silly internal checklist. I don’t want to settle for someone just because I feel better not being on my own at social events. I don’t want someone to go out with me and have them just holding out until a more attractive prospect presents itself (herself?).
No, no, no. I think I am worthy of more than that. I want someone to fall for me, to like me in that way, to want to make me a priority in his life, rather than just being content to be a priority in mine. I want someone to get excited when I walk into the room, to look forward to my calls, all that jazz. I’ve seen this in 101 couples, and it’s something I want in my life. And I want to feel for him with exactly the same amount of passion and sureness.
Does this mean I’m condemned to end an old maid? I hope not. Ever since I was little I’ve dreamt of being a good wife and mother, and of giving my husband and children the kind of comfortable, loving, settled home I didn’t always have as a child. And I still want that, more than I can actually describe. But. How does playing the dating game make this anymore a reality?
Chasing after guys who ‘might’ like me? Worrying about whether or not he’ll call (he won’t, he’s not really that into me)? Wasting time with guys who will hurt me emotionally or physically or worse, putting up with lies and fear and doubt, letting some man put me down? It’s just not worth it.
See, I believe I’m a good person. I think I’m growing and changing into the best person I can be. I believe I am infinitely loved by my Father in heaven, who I believe has nothing but the best planned for me. So why would I ever put up with the nonsense and pain I described in the last paragraph? I can’t believe I did for so long!
You see, I think I deserve the whole shebang. I want someone to fall for the whole package. I want some to love me because of my flaws, not despite them (tough call, right). That means I want a man who understands that I need to be ‘bossed’ (but not put down), who gets that I love to chat and sing and help people, who understands that I can often be messy and scatterbrained, who likes that I can get lost in a book and not come out for hours, who wants me to bake cakes for him and take care of him, who finds my need for trash TV more amusing than irritating, who appreciates that I have a wide bunch of friends and acquaintances and loves them as I do for all they bring to my life.
Quite a tall order, huh? You are right. But wouldn’t you rather sit there at 50, an old maid, and think “Wow, I’m glad I never settled for second best. I’ve had an awesome, full life and done so many things, and helped so many people, and achieved so much. I’m sad I never married or had children, but I’m so proud of what I have done.” Rather than “Wow, I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time worrying over men who didn’t want me. I’ve had an awesome….(etc.)”.
I want to get married. I want to have a family. But I only want this with someone who wants it also. In out society there are eleventy-million ways for a girl to finagle a man into marrying her, but that has never been and will never be my style. I believe that my God provides, and I have to believe that somewhere, right now, the man I meant to date and kiss and have three hour phone calls with, the man I want to marry – who wants to marry me – is getting up, or sleeping, or studying, or praying, or just being. Is he out there? Yes. Is he going to find me? I hope so. Am I willing to wait? Undoubtedly.
Maybe I already know him (hahaha, looooooong shot, I fear). Maybe he’s thousands of miles away. I just know I’m thinking of him, and praying for him, and I can’t wait until he sweeps into my life. I’m fine where I am just now, but bring on the fireworks!
Have a great day, everyone,