I’ve had some time to think lately. This doesn’t always happen. I tend to be so busy that I often don’t have time to think of anymore taxing than “Have I emailed that through? / Where’s his fleece? / Did I remember to text her? / What’s for tea? / Where are my keys?”. Some of this busy-ness is positive, but at other times it almost feels like a defence mechanism, like keeping myself busy, keeping myself moving, never fully relaxing, means I never really have to stop and think about the bigger things.
Which would make some sort of sense.
I’d say I’m a positive person. I’m happy and loving and giving and caring. I think I’m a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister (at least most of the time. I’m not a saint!). I try to help people, and I’m aware of the many faults I have (gah, whole other post. Which would be long and dull for you, and a retread for me). I haven’t been this way always.
If we went back just five or ten years, I don’t think you’d recognise me. I hated myself, actively and passionately. A series of not-nice experiences, some big, some small, some infinitesimal, had left me punchdrunk and confused and angry and hurt and just overflowing with self-loathing. I was ugly, I was stupid, I was worthless, I was fat, I was not worth knowing. I was also a bloody good actress. Many of the people around me had no idea of what was going on and now are surpirise if I allude to any troubles. Those were tough times.
About four years ago, I chose to change. I got serious with myself and hard on myself in some aspects, and a lot softer on myself in many others. The hardest part was probably learning to tell myself to “shut the f*** up!” when I went off on one against myself, and this is a lesson I’m still learning today. Putting myself down is such a talent, it takes a lot to fight the urge.
I’ve also had to learn how to trust people. Even in my closest relationships, there’s still a scared little girl there, afraid that I’ll do something, say something, be something that will make people stop liking me. Stop loving me. And leave. I count myself blessed that I have earned the friends I have now – people I can disagree with and fight with and they’re still there. They don’t leave.
As far as I’ve come, I know I’ve a ways to go. For every bridge crossed, for every memory dealt with, there’s a fresh one awaiting my attention, like a light flashing on and off on an old school answerphone. It can wait, but it will need seeing to….
So as Easter approaches and some free time becomes apparent on the horizon, I guess I’m asking for love, for understanding, for compassion. And I hope I have the wisdom to keep growing.
Wow, look who got all deep this evening!