Oh man. I am running out of words to describe this phase I’m in. It’s like a switch has been flipped somewhere, and I’m feeling stronger and happier and braver than I have in a long long time. It’s like the things I’ve been wanting to move beyond and past and through are just crumbling into nothing. And I’m emerging, like a creature from a chrysalis.
There are still stresses and strains and worries. There are still regrets and misdeeds and nightmares…but my focus is not on them. I feel like I’m on the edge of something as yet intangible, a new and exciting phase. I feel like I’m up on a high board, about to dive in, and do you know what? I’m not scared. I’m excited.
(I’ve been off school with a cold and stomach bug these past two days, and even that hasn’t dented this optimism and excitement. It has made me sleep an awful lot though!)
There are so many things I want to do. I want to sing, and learn more about singing. I want to write. I want to take photos. I want to spend time by the sea. I want to learn how to run (I bet you didn’t see that one coming!). I want to travel. I want to visit new places. I want to smile and laugh and chat with my friends. I want to drink wine and eat fruit and bake cakes. I want people to think of me and smile. I want to stay up way too late and be silly. I want to be part of my friends’ childrens’ lives, a surrogate aunty to help and spoil them. I want to kiss boys, or even better, spend time with a boy I’d like to carry on kissing over and again. I want to watch films and read books. I want to learn more about politics and volunteer and give something back. I want to study – maybe photography, maybe cookery, maybe a whole different degree. I want to get rid of loads of my stuff – this nesting phase is drawing to a close. I want to fall in love and enjoy the fear and the mess and the wonder. I want to trust that I have the talent and skills and gusto to succeed. I want to take risks and heal and help and be unafraid. I want to build a home. I want to take chances and push myself.
Maybe I’ll do some of these things. Maybe I’ll do none of these things. Maybe I’ll do all of these things. I don’t know. But I’m loving how inspired I’m feeling right now.
See what headcolds do to my thinking?