Time for a change?
“When faced with my demons
I clothe them and feed them
And I smile, yes I smile
As they’re taking me over
And if I cannot sleep for the secrets I keep
It’s the price I’m willing to meet
The end of the night never comes too quickly for me”
Strange Glue – Catatonia
The weekend has been a relaxing one, one with plenty of chat with trusted folk, and silly gossip sessions, and catching up with old friends. It’s been a time for thinking and people watching and listening to my MP3 player on the train as the tower blocks and suburbs and rolling hills and lush fields whip by. And a lot of that time, I’ve been thinking about the last post I wrote about boys. And the fact that I have to change.
No, not change who I am. Rather, change how I deal with things in that arena. When it comes to boys I’m often so consumed with confusion and self-doubt and self-loathing that I am a car crash waiting to happen. I *have* to change how I do this. Otherwise I give way too much power to guys who don’t deserve it, and push guys who I actually like and who (shock, horror!) might actually like me as far away as possible.
“Try to find a light on somewhere
I’m finding I’m falling in love with the dark over here
What do I know I don’t care
Where I start
For my troubles are few
As I’m feeling my way through the dark
Through the dark”
Through The Dark – KT Tunstall
And I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being in knots. I’m tired of feeling like a loser. I’m tired of feeling like there’s a whole world I don’t get to see. I’m tired of being a good luck charm (seriously, I could market myself. If a boy goes on a date with me or kisses me or even likes me a little, within 3 months he’ll find himself a girlfriend. Who won’t be me….). I’m tired of just being eaten up with feelings of worthlessness and fear. So I’m going to change the way I do business. As it were.
I am sitting down, shutting up, and listening to my friends. Yes, they are biased, but so am I. The only difference is, they are biased in my favour…whereas I think I’m a bit crap, really. Most of the time, anyhow. So I’m going to listening to them, as much as possible (and I’m going to trust them not to purposely lead me astray in the name of banter…). As far as I’m concerned, it’s worth a try!
“I’ll force a laugh to break the silence
It’s gonna get harder still
Before it gets easy
You can’t keep safe what wants to break
I’m alone in this
I’m all as I’ve always been
Right behind what’s happening
He’s all lost in this
He’s all like he’ll always be
A little far for me to reach”
Always Be – Jimmy Eat World
The thing is, I know why this is hard, and that’s why there are dragons. I’ve had to deal with so much BS and horror and mess and chaos from men before (some of which I aided and abbetted, and I’ll hold my hands up to. Some of which hit me like a ten tonne truck, uninvited and undesired). I’ve got to get rid of them. Those demons I clothe and feed, I’ve got to let go of. Am I brave enough to do this?
For so long I’ve been used to feeling inadequate and less than and unworthy of love. It’s going to take a lot of willpower to put that behind me. But I really, really want to.
“Well honestly, your honesty, it has emerged unscathed,
And I hope you’re doing fine, because me, I’m doing fucking great.
And I wouldn’t want to waste another second of your time
I know my place, I know your face,
So you hide yours and I’ll keep to mine.”
Worse Things Happen At Sea – Frank Turner
It’s not all bad though, I’d opine. Without being too smug or self-satisfied, I do think there are things I have to offer a guy. Surely being kind and sort of funny and vaguely intelligent (trust me, it’s very vague. When I was younger I was as smart as a whip….now alas I feel I’ve lost some of that!) must count for something?
I’m embracing an inner optimist that isn’t there…I’m taking a risk….I’m ignoring the demons….because I have decided to trust my friends on this. It’s either going to be comedic, tragic, or brilliant. I’ll keep you posted!
“Someone tell me how I feel
It’s silly wrong but vivid right
Oh, kiss me like the final meal
Yeah, kiss me like we die tonight
Cause holy cow, I love your eyes
And only now I see the light
Yeah, lying with me half-awake
Oh, anyway, it’s looking like a beautiful day”
One Day Like This – Elbow
I hope you all have a fabulous week. And thanks for reading yet another thinky post – my brain’s on overdrive at the moment, I think. I must find a funny cat video or something to post about next!