Of all the blog link ups I have taken part in, I think Five Minute Friday has to be one of my favourites. The rawness of words on the page, just letting the piece go where it wants to, is exciting and thrilling and comforting, all at once. So I’m thrilled to join in again for 2014. A big year.
Today’s word is fight.
I’ve never been good at confrontation. Everything in my nature wants people to be happy, for life to be calm, for the road to be smooth and easy for all. I’m great at swallowing things down, coping, taking things on board and worrying, quietly, rather than getting angry or standing up for myself. Even though I like to think I’ve moved beyond my days as a teenage doormat, there are still occasions where the old habits flare up, where I find myself backing down, shutting up, withdrawing instead of pushing foward, taking a stand, believing in my point. And when this happens I get so angry and disappointed and worn down, and retreat to my books and my words and eating. The little girl inside me knows it’s better to shut up and allow others to have their way. She’ll just have another slice of cake.
It’s occurring to me, however, in an oh-so-unexpected mid-thirties revelation, that that little girl is wrong. By not standing my ground, by not believing that my points deserve to be heard, I do myself and the people aound me a disservice. With the people I love who understand me I’m getting better and better at communicating, at confronting, at vocalising, but there are still many people I can’t find that groove with. And this year, I really want to.
Because that unwillingness to fight is a big part of my comfort eating. It’s a lot easier to eat and hide than to stick up for yourself, and I’ve been taking the easier path fo decades now. Loved one upsets you? Eat a mound of chocolate. Feeling abandoned and scared? Biscuits. Argument with a friend? Crisps. Colleague undermines you? Pizza. Typing it out it sounds so frail and juvenile, but it’s been my reality – the truth is for far too long, I’ve been swallowing down my feelings. Literally & figuratively.
So now the fight is a new one. The fight to be healthy, outside and in. To choose what’s best for me and my health, even if sometimes I have to move out of my comfort zone and give someone what for. I need to relearn the habits of my adult life; I have a fight on my hands.